# Handout 3.12: Healthy or Unhealthy Card Sort

Name: ______________________________ Date: ______________ Group: ______

**Directions:** Part 1 is the sort mat and the 24 cards (the teacher prints the cards once per group and cuts them apart). Part 2 is your own answer sheet: the eleven signs, the sign for each unhealthy card, your "depends" sentences, and what you would do. The exit card is at the bottom. No card is about anyone in this room. Every card is a role: a friend, a teammate, a cousin, a person in a group chat.

## Part 1: The sort mat

Lay the cards in three columns. Every card gets a column.

| HEALTHY | UNHEALTHY | DEPENDS |
|---|---|---|
| A sign of a relationship that is good for you | A sign of one that is not | You need to know one more thing first |

Rules: one bad day is not a sign; a pattern is. Fear is a tell-an-adult sign the first time, on its own.

### The 24 cards (teacher: cut apart; one set per group)

| Card | What the person does |
|---|---|
| 1 | Listens when you say no and does not push again. |
| 2 | Tells you what to wear so you "look right." |
| 3 | Has other friends and is fine that you do too. |
| 4 | Makes jokes about you in front of others, and the jokes only go one way. |
| 5 | Shows up when things are hard, not only when it is fun. |
| 6 | Gets upset when you spend time with your family or your other friends. |
| 7 | Asks for your phone password "so we can trust each other." |
| 8 | Tells you the truth even when it is awkward. |
| 9 | You find yourself careful about what you say around them because of how they react. |
| 10 | Apologizes and makes it right when they mess up. |
| 11 | Keeps asking after you said no, and says "you would if you were a real friend." |
| 12 | Sometimes wants to do their own thing on a weekend instead of hanging out. |
| 13 | It is always your turn to pay, apologize, or give in. |
| 14 | Disagrees with you sometimes and says so without insulting you. |
| 15 | Checks your phone "as a joke" when you are not looking. |
| 16 | Cheers for you when you win, even when they lost. |
| 17 | In the group chat, screenshots what you wrote and sends it to someone outside the chat. |
| 18 | A coach yells during the game, then explains what to fix afterward and asks how you are doing. |
| 19 | You are afraid of what will happen if you tell them something they will not like. |
| 20 | A cousin borrows your things and always brings them back. |
| 21 | Says "nobody else likes you, you only have me." |
| 22 | Forgot your birthday once, felt bad, and made it up to you. |
| 23 | Wants to know where you are and who you are with, every hour, and gets angry if you do not answer. |
| 24 | Tells you when they think you are making a mistake, then supports you either way. |

## Part 2: Answer sheet

### The eleven signs

| Healthy (6) | What it means | Unhealthy (5) | What it means |
|---|---|---|---|
| Respect | | Control | |
| Trust | | Put-downs | |
| Honesty | | Isolation | |
| Support | | Pressure | |
| Fairness | | Fear | |
| Separate identities | | | |

Sign words in other languages [check with a native speaker before printing]:

| English | Turkish | Portuguese | Spanish |
|---|---|---|---|
| respect | saygı | respeito | respeto |
| trust | güven | confiança | confianza |
| honesty | dürüstlük | honestidade | honestidad |
| support | destek | apoio | apoyo |
| fairness | adalet | justiça | justicia |
| separate identities | ayrı kimlikler | identidades separadas | identidades separadas |
| control | kontrol | controle | control |
| put-downs | aşağılama | humilhações | desprecios |
| isolation | yalnızlaştırma | isolamento | aislamiento |
| pressure | baskı | pressão | presión |
| fear | korku | medo | miedo |

### The unhealthy cards: which sign?

For every card you put in UNHEALTHY, write the card number and the sign it shows.

| Card | Sign | Card | Sign | Card | Sign |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| | | | | | |
| | | | | | |
| | | | | | |
| | | | | | |

### The "depends" cards

For every card in DEPENDS, write what it depends on. "It depends on whether ___."

Card ____: It depends on whether ________________________________________________

Card ____: It depends on whether ________________________________________________

Card ____: It depends on whether ________________________________________________

### What to do, and who to tell

Three moves: say something (an I-message), step back (less time, keep your other friends, keep your passwords), tell a trusted adult (for control, isolation, pressure that will not stop, and always for fear).

Pick one UNHEALTHY card. Card ____. What I would do: ______________________ Why: ________________________________________________

The counselor's name: ______________________ Room: ______

Other adults in this building I could tell: ______________________ ______________________

## Exit card: 3-2-1

3 healthy signs: ______________ ______________ ______________

2 unhealthy signs: ______________ ______________

1 adult in this building I would tell (a title, not a friend): ______________________

* * *

## Teacher key

**Healthy:** 1 (respect), 3 (separate identities), 5 (support), 8 (honesty), 10 (fairness and honesty), 14 (respect and honesty), 16 (support), 20 (trust), 22 (honesty and fairness; one miss, made right), 24 (honesty and support).

**Unhealthy:** 2 (control), 4 (put-downs), 6 (isolation), 7 (control), 9 (fear), 11 (pressure), 13 (fairness missing; accept "unfair" or "control"), 15 (control; the "joke" does not change it), 17 (put-downs and trust broken; accept either), 19 (fear), 21 (isolation), 23 (control).

**Depends:** 12 (depends on whether it is sometimes or always; sometimes is separate identities, always with no explanation might be a drift, and neither is unhealthy), 18 (depends on what the yelling is: instructions during a game are normal; insults are put-downs; the explaining and the asking afterward are healthy signs).

Accept a card moved from healthy to depends with a real condition. Do not accept 7, 9, 15, 19, 21, or 23 in "depends"; those are control, fear, and isolation, and the condition students propose ("if they are really close") is the pattern the lesson is teaching them to see. Ask "what would make asking for a password okay?" and let the group move it.

Sign definitions for the eleven-signs table: respect (they listen when you say no); trust (nobody checks anybody's phone); honesty (the truth even when awkward); support (they show up when it is hard); fairness (both give, both get); separate identities (you both have other friends and interests); control (they decide what you wear, who you talk to, want your passwords); put-downs (jokes and insults that only go one way); isolation (they want you away from your other people); pressure (they keep pushing after no); fear (you are careful around them because of how they react).

"What I would do," a strong answer: "Card 11: step back and say something. I feel pushed when you keep asking after I said no, and I need you to take the no. If it keeps happening, tell the counselor, because pressure that will not stop is the sign." Any answer for card 9, 19, or 23 must include telling an adult.

Exit card: any card with no adult, or only a friend, gets a quiet follow up the next day.